Excel Excess

Makeup--technically none of us need it, but so many of us use it.  Research shows that we primarily use it because we're anxious and insecure and want to appear less noticeable, or because we want to be more attractive, and have been taught that our natural, untouched faces are un attractive.  Cool! Not only is makeup crazy expensive, but it expires relatively quickly.  What's that you say?  "Expiration dates on my eye shadow?!  I ignore the expiration dates on medication, so there's no way I'm taking an expiration date from a company called e.l.f. seriously!" Sure, you seem credible. Well what if i told you expired makeup can cause breakouts; skin parasites; infections; loss of vision; puffy, red, and/or swollen eyes; styes; conjunctivitis; pink eye; and more?  Still want to put that shit on your face?  Didn't think so!  But how to track this? Let's start with the PAO (or "Period After Opening") symbol that's on most co...

My previous job paid for my gas.  But i used my car for things other than work, like driving to my other job, or driving to interviews for new jobs.  So the gas that they paid for was kind of a bonus, and i wanted to know exactly how much it added to my total compensation package.  So... gas bonus = total spent on gas - cost of gas used for legitimate business travel ...and... cost of gas used for legitimate business travel = miles * price of gas / MPG of my Cavalier LS For my job, i traveled to and from various clients' houses all day.  So i threw together this little chart as a quick reference for the exact mileage getting from one place to another.

Ohhhhh, hello!  Guys--GUYS, have you heard of the LIBRARY?  It's amazing!  It's free, and if you know how to work the website, you can suggest that they purchase books for you! "If i was looking for a book on astrophysics, where would i find one?" "Off the top of my head, i'd have to say a bookstore.  Or a library." While physical books are stupid, downloadable audio-books are the best thing to happen to my commute since i got my AC fixed!  And the library buys the majority of the books is suggest.  For this reason, i now have 122 books on my wish list. But how does one decide the order in which to "read" them?  My first logical choice would be to read them in the order i added them to my wish list.  But The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins (book #7 on my list) for example has 0 available copies, and 2 people on the waiting list.  Now i hate waiting as much as i love audio-books, and i flat out refuse to sit in traffic without...

I own several Fitbits because i heart numbers.  I am a bona fide Fitbitch.  In college, i learned that Donny Rumsfeld walks 10,000 steps a day.  I immediately purchased a pedometer, and i would go walk on the treadmill in my apartment complex' gym post-da club, beer in hand, if i didn't have 10,000 steps at the end of every day.  I am very competitive, and i was not about to let Rummy beat me.  If he walks more steps than i, the terrorists win! Now i've leveled up with a pedometer that also monitors my heart rate, syncs with my phone, and signals to my peers that i have made it!  Since i'm no longer in the service industry, i rarely get 10,000 steps in a day any more.  Whatever!  Rumsfeld's probably sitting on his fat ass these days too!  Neither of us are getting younger!  Don't judge me! Anyway, i've tweaked my daily step goal down to my average so that i wasn't so downtrodden every day i didn't meet my goal.  Now, if i be...

I subscribe to 10 podcasts which i listen to at work.  There are 3 additional podcasts i am NOT subscribed to, because when i start listening to a new podcast, i begin at the beginning!  Comedy Bang Bang (heretofore referred to as CBB) has been around since 2009, and i'm still catching up! Today i pondered:  when the hell will i be caught up with this damn podcast, so i can start listening to SPONTANEANATION with Paul F. Tompkins!?  Like a good OCDude, i have to listen to my podcasts from oldest to newest.  I'm only up to episode 127 of CBB, which aired October 17, 2011.  Since CBB releases one podcast a week, i can calculate how many more podcasts it'll take me to be caught up.  But i smell an iterative calculation! It's been 213 weeks since the podcast I'm currently listening to aired, so I'm going to assume I've 213 more podcasts until i catch up.  The 2 podcasts currently on my iPad are 1 hr 14 min and 1 hr 12 min, so I'm going to say the...

Have you ever said to yourself, "i should eat more fruits and vegetables...but Whataburger sure is great"?  Me too! Well, my mom bought my cat and i vitamins for Christmas, which i think is her way of saying i am unhealthy.  My Polish co-worker advocates eating primarily uncooked meats, and admonishes, "legumes are pretty much the worst thing you can eat."  Netflix keeps reminding me that everytime i eat a hamburger, i am LITERALLY RUINING THE WORLD.  And sad people in podcasts keep telling my passive ears that "exercise and eating right" will miraculously cure even clinical depression. One thing i can say though is that plants look awfully healthy.  So...i should eat more of them...or any of them!  You already know what a passion i have for finding and purchasing the cheapest food .  But how do i consume it all before it spoils, when i often am gone at work 14 hours a day!?  My recent acquisition of a refurbished juicer helps!  And this' w...

I don't know about you, but when i draw smiling unicorns, i reach for the white crayon when i go to color their teeth.  But what if, when your co-workers are coloring pictures of you climbing out of a pit full of snakes, they reach for Banana Mania or Desert Sand when coloring your teeth?  Alternatively, are you vain and addicted to coffee and red wine?  Sounds like you need to whiten your teeth! "I live in Starbucks!"  "I am a (red) wine-o!"  "I care too much about how i look!" "But teeth whiteners are expensive," you whinge.  There, there, stupid.  Haven't you ever heard of the Internet?  The Internet makes things cheaper, and saves you the trouble of having to get off your lazy ass to obtain them! I am lazy.  Thanks, the Internet! Amazon does an especially good job of this:  for many items, if you "subscribe" to them, you save 5-15% off the normal price, and get free shipping.  And you can always unsubscribe as ...